( vaguely. enough to get an idea of what they were up to (well. a vague idea, but considering who was on the team--) but not enough to really dig deep into it. it hadn't been important, back then. julian had other crap to worry about. )
Okay. So... So I'm just going to do a lot of talking. And I just need you to listen until I'm done, okay? Because if I don't, I'm not - I'm going to keep not saying it, and if this is gonna be a thing, there can't be any secrets.
[ he's stalling. taking another sip, drumming his fingertips against the cup, and then he's talking. ]
So... not too long after the school was destroyed, like, before we bounced to San Francisco, I got pulled into the X-Force. At first it was just to heal Rahne after she got caught up with these bad guys, but then I saw too much, so I was as a member.
After the Stryker thing I never wanted to hurt anyone again, but... I was losing my goddamn mind about my powers, because I could feel them growing constantly. And David, Nori and me barely spoke. I barely saw you, or Vic, or even Alani... All my time was either in the medbay healing people or out in the field trying to keep things from going to shit.
[ he shakes his head. ]
We were in a war. X-Force was doing all the work to keep mutants alive that the X-Men couldn't put their name to, and it was dangerous, so they needed a healer and whatever else I could be, and I had to do it.
I used my powers to extort people into doing what we needed them to. I weakened people so someone else could deliver a killing blow. And all the while I could feel my powers getting stronger, and it... It scared me, and I was getting - angrier, I guess, more isolated. I kept wanting to quit, but if I had I knew Laura'd be dead because no one was looking out for any of us. I saw mutants being taken advantage of, people who lost their powers and were in agony because their bodies couldn't support them anymore, there was just such unimaginable pain everywhere... and I couldn't help any of them.
[ he shifts his weight again. ]
Right before the whole Leper Queen thing, or like, right as it was happening - we went to the future to go find Hope and Cable. The last thing I heard was that you and Nori'd been kidnapped and you were in danger. I tried to go back then and there but it didn't work, so I just spent days just, getting more and more worked up about it. We fought Stryfe and I tried to kill him, like, really tried to kill him but someone else did the job for me. And then we got back just in time and we saved you, but I had nothing left to give after that. The last thing I remember was making sure you two we re still breathing before I passed out. What I was doing was eating at me, but that... Knowing you two were okay, that was just everything. That made it worth it. I just - whatever the cost, it was worth it to keep you guys safe.
[ his breath hitches slightly. ]
And then I woke up in the medbay of Utopia, I don't even know how long after. Everything was going to hell. The next thing I know we're storming the beaches of Genosha because Selene's about to ascend to Godhood and if she does we're all fucked.
[ there's a pause. josh blinks a few times. he hasn't talked about this. not since the day it happened. only in vague terms here and there, a grim acknowledgement of the moment he couldn't take back without detail. he sets the coffee cup on the windowsill and brings his fingers up to run through his hair. ]
And Kevin was there. She had him wrapped around her little finger, and he was just a kid, and he came at me and its not like we were on even ground. It was like a candle to a blowtorch. I could've knocked him out, or turned his powers off, but he said [ a pause. josh blinks harder, his voice catching ] he said what happened to Laurie was my fault, and he was right, and I - I killed him. I just killed him. He begged me to stop and I can still hear him doing it, he was just a kid and he was brainwashed and I knew that, I knew that, but I did it, and he died, and there was barely even dust left afterwards and -
[ his eyes squeeze shut, fingers tangling loosely in stark white locks. ]
( he listens, because josh told him to. doesn't say a word during his whole explanation, going over all of it. he remembers, vaguely, seeing josh during that. when everything felt like shit, when he was sure he was going to just implode, that it was the end of everything, he and nori were done for.
before josh made it to them, at least.
the rest of it, well. isn't shit that julian really knows crap about. he didn't see much of josh, but hearing about it secondhand is pissing him off. because josh was just a kid. he was just following orders, following what others told him to do, going where he was directed. it's not josh's fault he lost his shit.
they've all done crap they regret. been pushed to the limit, fallen off the edge and had to find their way back up again. they were all kids during most that bullshit. brought up during a time when everything was crap, when finding their friends mutilated on their doorstep was normal.
and kevin is fine now, in one piece on krakoa. readjusting to being alive, to still being a teenager while a lot of his friends are grown. julian would be more concerned hearing this shit if he hadn't been fine. kevin had a rough go of it, a power that was shit to learn to handle. )
I'm sorry, that that crap happened to you. We should've come for you. That's not--crap any kid should have to carry. ( they're still young, not quite kids but not quite adults either. on the cusp of independence but still figuring crap out. julian doesn't think he needs to specify that. their childhood was taken from them on m-day, and they're never going to get it back. ) But it's not on you. None of it is. They used you, manipulated you, burned you out and kept throwing you out into the field because you were useful. You know that.
[ he takes a minute to compose himself. they lost everything that day. he held onto it a fraction longer, until dj was bleeding out under his hands, until laurie was splattered all over his face. until stryker was underneath his hands, his body the implement of murder. ]
I still did it, Julian. It doesn't matter what they did. I did it.
[ his words are a little hollow. gaze lifting to meet the telekinetic's. ]
I killed Stryker with my bare hands before they made me do anything. I've got this darkness inside of me that comes out, and it's even worse with my powers because they're still growing. I've killed people since I ran away. I've tortured people. I've -
[ he shakes his head. slowly at first and then more vigorously. ]
I- I signed up with the Brotherhood, willingly. And then the Hellfire Club. I think the X-Men are stupid and they're driving us towards extinction and they don't give a shit about us and I make this big show of not wanting to hurt anyone, but I know the second its easy for me I do. I always do.
The older generation is stupid. All of them. They're all pushing for crap for their benefit, you're not wrong.
( shifting forward, to reach a hand out towards josh, palm up. )
But you're not bad, idiot. You did what you had to. You learned how to handle shit from the stupid assholes around you. And you? You saved most've us. You brought back Laurie, Kevin, DJ, Brian, Jay, Sofia. Maybe not yet, but you will. You gave me back my hands.
And none of this, anything you've said, changes jack shit here.
they're okay. this changes nothing. the weight has been lifted and liberation from it is almost dizzying. julian extends a hand and josh reluctantly reaches out in turn.
pausing just before their skin can make contact, brow furrowed in worry. ]
( julian leaves his hand where it is, doesn't force the touch but doesn't pull away from it either. josh will come to him when he feels comfortable, there's no need to press forward here. )
( josh's hand rests against his own, and julian curls his fingers around josh's, pulls him in closer. the bandages on his hands are gone; he's--adjusting to the sensation of skin on skin contact again. )
Not like we can play by normal dating rules here anyway.
( josh slides in closer, and julian--slides his hand up against his cheek, tips his head up so when julian leans down, he can press their foreheads together. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( vaguely. enough to get an idea of what they were up to (well. a vague idea, but considering who was on the team--) but not enough to really dig deep into it. it hadn't been important, back then. julian had other crap to worry about. )
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[ pressing his lips together, brow furrowing. ]
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( a raise of his hand, a "go on" gesture, before julian's tipping his coffee cup back to his mouth and taking another drink. he's listening. )
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[ he's stalling. taking another sip, drumming his fingertips against the cup, and then he's talking. ]
So... not too long after the school was destroyed, like, before we bounced to San Francisco, I got pulled into the X-Force. At first it was just to heal Rahne after she got caught up with these bad guys, but then I saw too much, so I was as a member.
After the Stryker thing I never wanted to hurt anyone again, but... I was losing my goddamn mind about my powers, because I could feel them growing constantly. And David, Nori and me barely spoke. I barely saw you, or Vic, or even Alani... All my time was either in the medbay healing people or out in the field trying to keep things from going to shit.
[ he shakes his head. ]
We were in a war. X-Force was doing all the work to keep mutants alive that the X-Men couldn't put their name to, and it was dangerous, so they needed a healer and whatever else I could be, and I had to do it.
I used my powers to extort people into doing what we needed them to. I weakened people so someone else could deliver a killing blow. And all the while I could feel my powers getting stronger, and it... It scared me, and I was getting - angrier, I guess, more isolated. I kept wanting to quit, but if I had I knew Laura'd be dead because no one was looking out for any of us. I saw mutants being taken advantage of, people who lost their powers and were in agony because their bodies couldn't support them anymore, there was just such unimaginable pain everywhere... and I couldn't help any of them.
[ he shifts his weight again. ]
Right before the whole Leper Queen thing, or like, right as it was happening - we went to the future to go find Hope and Cable. The last thing I heard was that you and Nori'd been kidnapped and you were in danger. I tried to go back then and there but it didn't work, so I just spent days just, getting more and more worked up about it. We fought Stryfe and I tried to kill him, like, really tried to kill him but someone else did the job for me. And then we got back just in time and we saved you, but I had nothing left to give after that. The last thing I remember was making sure you two we re still breathing before I passed out. What I was doing was eating at me, but that... Knowing you two were okay, that was just everything. That made it worth it. I just - whatever the cost, it was worth it to keep you guys safe.
[ his breath hitches slightly. ]
And then I woke up in the medbay of Utopia, I don't even know how long after. Everything was going to hell. The next thing I know we're storming the beaches of Genosha because Selene's about to ascend to Godhood and if she does we're all fucked.
[ there's a pause. josh blinks a few times. he hasn't talked about this. not since the day it happened. only in vague terms here and there, a grim acknowledgement of the moment he couldn't take back without detail. he sets the coffee cup on the windowsill and brings his fingers up to run through his hair. ]
And Kevin was there. She had him wrapped around her little finger, and he was just a kid, and he came at me and its not like we were on even ground. It was like a candle to a blowtorch. I could've knocked him out, or turned his powers off, but he said [ a pause. josh blinks harder, his voice catching ] he said what happened to Laurie was my fault, and he was right, and I - I killed him. I just killed him. He begged me to stop and I can still hear him doing it, he was just a kid and he was brainwashed and I knew that, I knew that, but I did it, and he died, and there was barely even dust left afterwards and -
[ his eyes squeeze shut, fingers tangling loosely in stark white locks. ]
He made me angry, so I killed him.
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before josh made it to them, at least.
the rest of it, well. isn't shit that julian really knows crap about. he didn't see much of josh, but hearing about it secondhand is pissing him off. because josh was just a kid. he was just following orders, following what others told him to do, going where he was directed. it's not josh's fault he lost his shit.
they've all done crap they regret. been pushed to the limit, fallen off the edge and had to find their way back up again. they were all kids during most that bullshit. brought up during a time when everything was crap, when finding their friends mutilated on their doorstep was normal.
and kevin is fine now, in one piece on krakoa. readjusting to being alive, to still being a teenager while a lot of his friends are grown. julian would be more concerned hearing this shit if he hadn't been fine. kevin had a rough go of it, a power that was shit to learn to handle. )
I'm sorry, that that crap happened to you. We should've come for you. That's not--crap any kid should have to carry. ( they're still young, not quite kids but not quite adults either. on the cusp of independence but still figuring crap out. julian doesn't think he needs to specify that. their childhood was taken from them on m-day, and they're never going to get it back. ) But it's not on you. None of it is. They used you, manipulated you, burned you out and kept throwing you out into the field because you were useful. You know that.
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I still did it, Julian. It doesn't matter what they did. I did it.
[ his words are a little hollow. gaze lifting to meet the telekinetic's. ]
I killed Stryker with my bare hands before they made me do anything. I've got this darkness inside of me that comes out, and it's even worse with my powers because they're still growing. I've killed people since I ran away. I've tortured people. I've -
[ he shakes his head. slowly at first and then more vigorously. ]
I- I signed up with the Brotherhood, willingly. And then the Hellfire Club. I think the X-Men are stupid and they're driving us towards extinction and they don't give a shit about us and I make this big show of not wanting to hurt anyone, but I know the second its easy for me I do. I always do.
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( shifting forward, to reach a hand out towards josh, palm up. )
But you're not bad, idiot. You did what you had to. You learned how to handle shit from the stupid assholes around you. And you? You saved most've us. You brought back Laurie, Kevin, DJ, Brian, Jay, Sofia. Maybe not yet, but you will. You gave me back my hands.
And none of this, anything you've said, changes jack shit here.
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they're okay. this changes nothing. the weight has been lifted and liberation from it is almost dizzying. julian extends a hand and josh reluctantly reaches out in turn.
pausing just before their skin can make contact, brow furrowed in worry. ]
... What if I hurt you?
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( julian leaves his hand where it is, doesn't force the touch but doesn't pull away from it either. josh will come to him when he feels comfortable, there's no need to press forward here. )
And you know I can handle myself.
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[ it scares him how much he wants this. ]
I'm a shittier boyfriend than I am a friend.
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( just applying a different title to a relationship that was, basically, already dating. )
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Okay.
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Not like we can play by normal dating rules here anyway.
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[ he steps closer, settling down on the bed beside julian. ]
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( josh slides in closer, and julian--slides his hand up against his cheek, tips his head up so when julian leans down, he can press their foreheads together. )
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Its got the basics there. People who like each other making a commitment. It's just, y'know, super... open.
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( listen he has a grudge and he's going to keep on it now. )
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but julian just. tips his head in and presses his lips to josh's own in a quick kiss. )
Good.
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If this is gonna be a thing, though, can I ask one thing?
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( sounds suspicious, what is josh after here. )
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( with a gentle shove against josh's shoulder, before he's pulling himself up to his feet. )
Finish your coffee.
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[ he stretches over the grab the coffee from the windowsill. ]
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Take it back. I'm not fucking Cindy.
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