( with any of them. julian's been pining after laura since he was sixteen. jean, scott, and logan have their - their thing that julian doesn't want to think about all that deeply because ew. there's crap with the cuckoos and cable jr back home. the whole thing julian had with sophia way back when.
he sighs, rolls his eyes before sauntering back to the kitchen and - leaning a hip against the counter, again. he's here. he may as well listen. )
But no one else here is going to get even close to understanding your crap. Right? You may as well talk to me.
Quentin's never bothered to give two shits about Julian's dating history, aside from knowing how the girls in school felt about him, but... he's not wrong that it always seems to be complicated. Who knew a group of deranged weirdos with copious trauma would end up with fucked up attachment issues?
Whatever. Quentin presses his mouth into a thin line and takes a heavy breath of sardonic resignation.]
She died twice to reject me and now spends her time hitting on every hot guy with psionic powers she sees. You know, like rubbing a dog's nose in the carpet when it pees.
Or she just has a type, and it has nothing to do with you at all.
( not that julian even vaguely believes that's what's going on. he bets at least a little bit of it is that she's being petty and rubbing his nose in it. for what? hell if he knows. sounds like it's more of an incident that happened before julian's time than anything else, and he could ask and dig into it further, but honestly - chances are high that's just going to piss off quire more. so. )
[Quentin peers at Julian crossly for a moment, trying to determine if he's aware he's included in that list of "guys with psionic powers" and if so, whether or not he's gloating. Probably not? The answer to "is Julian Keller gloating" is highly, highly unlikely to ever be unclear. Guy isn't exactly the shy, humble type. Hm.]
The problem is I tried to bring her back to life using the goddamn Phoenix, and she looked at me and said—and I quote—"ew" and went back to being dead.
[He grimaces and moves his hand to his face to press his thumb and forefinger to his eyes. God, he sounds pathetic, doesn't he? Ugh. He's blaming the alcohol in his system. Quentin makes a frustrated scoffing noise and takes his hand off his face to gesture animatedly.]
I mean, that's gotta be one of the top 10 harshest rejections of all time, right? Cringefail compilation material?
[Quentin raises his arms and lets them drop dramatically in a helpless shrug.]
It just sucks, man. I dunno. Salt in the wound or whatever.
( which. isn't really the point of the thing but julian figures the statement belongs here regardless. julian wouldn't go so far as to apply it as an insult, but they do all have a type. and a habit of being petty. plus the occasional pitting people against each other. and all going on dates with the same guy while definitely talking about whoever they're with behind their back. or in front of it, just where they can't hear. you know. like cuckoos are known for. )
Is that really the kind of crap you want to deal with long term? She rejected you via just going back to being dead, or whatever. ( julian's been rejected pretty harshly, but he'd definitely put that in the top ten rejections of all time, whereas he'd rank his own lower. but he won't specify that out loud. ) Is it worth getting upset over? I know you can't help it, ( with a little more empathy behind his tone, because he does get it. really. ) but like - do you want it to be something she can see?
[Probably not the best time to mention he dated—and got his heart utterly crushed by—a second Cuckoo, is it? And apparently got manipulated by a third. The one who used him to get Sophie killed in the first place.
Ugh.
Quentin slumps pitifully when Julian continues talking, propping his elbows on the table to hold his head in his hands. Until Keller says that last thing about letting Sophie see his... angst or whatever, and Quentin's head pops up, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead.]
We're telepaths, man. It's not that simple. We don't talk like this. [He waves his hand demonstrably between himself and Julian.]
We talk up here. [And he taps his temple a few times.]
If we block each other? It's noticeable. Like really noticeable. Like big flashing neon sign saying "something's wrong" noticeable. You've seen how she is with her whole new Hashtag Not All Cuckoos routine, yeah? She's a dog with a bone when she thinks somebody's got some kind of inner turmoil she can pretend to help!
( okay, that's - well that's fair, and julian gets it, sophie's been getting in his face regarding a lot of crap lately, too. all i'll help and i've got scott jr when they all know that's going to turn out shittily. )
There's a lot of other people here, right? Maybe we're low on other telepaths that aren't Jean or guys, but. ( a loose lift of his shoulders, because, ) You can always find someone else to think about and maybe that'll take care of the whole Sophie thing.
( bad advice, it never works for julian, he's tried it. but he's not quire either. )
Tone down the turmoil, find someone else who's less likely to fuck you over.
For a moment Quentin just. Looks at Julian. Tilts his head to the side, narrows his eyes, and peers at him like he's trying to decipher some mystical ancient riddle. What is the riddle, you ask? The question that plagues him so? Well, glad you asked because it's is Julian Keller seriously that fucking dense??
... Yes. The answer is probably yes. Honestly.]
Right, so. You do realize that [he holds out his pointer finger to indicate point number one] "distracts me from Sophie bullshit" and [now a second finger, point number two] "less likely to fuck me over" describes you. Yeah? Because it does. I mean, that's literally why we're here.
[In the kitchen, he means. With trash cocktails that Julian himself brought him. For specifically distraction purposes??
what. quentin looks at julian. and julian looks right back at him with an expression that's almost equally confused. )
What? ( okay, no, he had to say it out loud too because what the hell. ) No, I mean like, dateable. Someone you'd sleep with. Like she's getting up to with Nate. Which doesn't describe me at all.
Okay, well, I'm not, so maybe jot that down before you try to tell me who I would and wouldn't describe as "dateable".
[Is he including Julian in that? Undecided. But probably not. The guy's a pain in the ass, and doing a whole "I Don't Dance" reenactment with this moron sounds like way more trouble than it's worth. If he wants to do the two bros chillin in a hot tub routine, then sure. Not Quentin's problem.
Anyway.]
And in any case, you didn't say "find someone to make out with." You said "find someone else to think about." You know, like when you told me I should "go think somewhere else," and I said there wasn't any-damn-where else to think? Yeah, hasn't changed in the past however many fucking minutes. Unfortunately for the both of us.
[Okay, none of this is relevant, Julian is being super weird about the whole thing, and Quentin's bored with now. He rolls his eyes and moves on.]
Fine. Whatever. You've been here longer than me. Where's a guy like me find someone to "think about"?
I wasn't assuming. ( okay he was a little bit but that's not really the point. ) But I am, and I know we're not like - you know. You wouldn't date me anyway so I know I'm nowhere close to your list of dateables.
( is that backtracking enough to fix - whatever this is? julian's hoping it is. anyway. walking right out of this one, because neither of them need to suffer through talks of what the other is into any more than they already have. )
That's your whole thing with Sophie, right? She chose death over you, twice. But you, like the i-- ( cutting himself off right here, thank you. insults are not the way to play this game. ) You're still pining after her because you like her despite her rejecting you. And even if she's pulling the "Not all Cuckoos" move, she's still one of them. They're hot and fun but they go through partners and crushes like it's a game. I'd know.
( he dated three of them for like two seconds. and he knows one of them (celeste?) has had an on and off crush on him or - whatever. they flirt around enough. sophie was having a great time leaning all over him during aphaia, and teasing him about what is and isn't making out, and now she's - wherever, fucking around with nate. not that he's bothered by it at all, sophie's out there living her best life. )
So find someone else to get over it with. As for where - how the hell would I know? I've only been here a little longer than you, and I've been busy with crap that isn't getting depressed over girls who couldn't give a shit.
[Quentin quirks an eyebrow slightly at Julian's clumsy attempt at backtracking, but ultimately he decides to let it go. Maybe it'll come up again, maybe it won't. Who knows and who cares. Not Quentin. For now he'll just neatly file it away and move on.
But honestly? He'd almost rather keep poking at the hornet's nest of whatever the fuck bisexual awakening bullshit Julian may or may not be having. Because the thing is, this whole mess is way, way more complicated than Keller's summary. To the point where Quentin isn't completely sure if he even wants to bother clarifying. But, well, he's gotten this far. Might as well go all the way. Directly to hell. Ugh.]
That's not—
[Quentin sighs in frustration.]
I'm not "pining" after Sophie. It's Phoebe who—look, Sophie rejected me. Sucks, right? But I moved on. Dated other people. Non-Cuckoos. And then on Krakoa, Phoebe... I dunno, decided she liked me. We dated, and then we broke up.
[Leaving out the parts where she inspired him to change significant chunks of himself, for better or for worse he still has no idea, and she crushed his heart into little tiny pieces.]
When Sophie got here, she accused me of replacing her with Phoebe. Which is stupid, because she literally rejected me, and Phoebe's the one who started things up with me anyway. But then Sophie hooks up with the Nate? The only guy in existence with the exact same powers as me? It's like—come on, right? I'm not supposed to take that personally?
[One would think that was a rhetorical question, but the way his eyebrows tilt up and the inflection of his voice would imply that it's a little closer to genuine. If Julian is confused, he can rest assured that Quentin doesn't have a fucking clue what's going on in his own head either. Very frustrating for a telepath, honestly. 0/10, do not recommend.]
Look, man, if there was an easy fix to all this, then that's what I'd be doing. Not... this.
[He gestures broadly at the kitchen and therefore the situation in general, sighs, and slumps in resigned misery.]
But as utterly tragic as it is for me, you're kinda the person who knows me best around here, so if you wouldn't mind hanging out a while and, I dunno, letting me be a sad sack of shit without also being alone, that'd be swell. [And just for good measure, he adds:] No make-outs required.
( nah, still sounds like he's pining for sophie even after that whole explanation. maybe he had gotten over her, maybe it's a resurfaced crush or whatever, but it's there, because sophie's fucking around with nate and quentin's stuck on it. he says it like he's stuck on the whole power set up bullshit, but julian - doubts that's it. she'd kissed him back on aphaia and was leaning all over him, too, not that he's telling quire that right now when the guy already feels defeated.
unfortunately, he does get it. the feeling, anyway. he could keep offering suggestions, or tell quire to find someone else, or - fuck if he knows, but the good news here is that quire tells him exactly what he wants, and it's something julian can do so instead of making an ass of himself, he gives a quiet sigh and walks on closer. grabs onto one of the chairs and pulls it out enough so he can sit on it, elbows resting against the table in front of them. )
I don't know, man, Jean's here. Don't you want to whine to her about your love life problems? Seems like that might work out a little better.
( but there's a teasing lilt to his voice; he's not telling quire off, not is he actually recommending he go talk to jean. julian's not going anywhere. because as much as he bitches, he does know how to just sit and be present with someone. knows, too, how nice it can be when someone does just - do that for someone else. )
Right, yeah, because what this situation needs is more telepaths. And Grey-Summers-Frost drama. Yeesh.
[He rolls his eyes dramatically, but Quentin's shoulders do relax just a bit when Julian sits. Keller's an asshole the vast majority of the time, but sometimes? Every so often? He's not actually awful to be around.]
But hey, I've already been complaining about a girl who only hits on hot guys with powers like mine to one of said hot guys, so how much worse could it realistically get? Aside from, you know, incredibly way worse. Like it literally always does.
[... Yeah, okay, so. The sentiment here is legit. He literally said "hot guys with psionic powers" a few minutes ago and assumed Julian understood that he was included in that. And that he was just being chill and not bringing attention to the inherent awkwardness of the situation.
But that was before all of his "no way bro I'm nowhere near your list of dateables bro I'm serious bro btw did I mention how straight I am" crap. And... okay, look. Quentin Quire has clown blood. He knows this about himself. He is a simple man with simple needs. He sees an opportunity to poke something with a stick? He pokes with a stick. Unless he's too busy with something else. Like, for example, his own angst. In that case he couldn't care less. But as soon as that shit is crammed away in a box in the back of his mind where it belongs, (hopefully) never to be addressed ever again? It's stick-poking time. And Julian gave him one hell of a target.
Is it kind of an assholeish thing to do to ask for somebody to comfort you and then proceed to subtly prod at what is clearly a sensitive subject? Yes. Yes, it is. But consider this: Quentin and Julian are both assholes. So really, it's not like any innocents are getting hurt here.]
( haha, i'm complaining to one of the hot guys, quentin says, and julian - he knows that, thank you, he knows he's hot and also that while he's not a telepath, he's a telekinetic which is half of what quire has, even if his own fine control is significantly better than quire's own. he could admit to sophie hanging all over him during aphaia, but that feels like hitting a guy when he's already down, and he's trying not to do that. )
I can't fix that I'm hot, and even if I could - ( a loose lift of his shoulders, before julian slumps down and leans his weight against his elbows on the table. ) Sounds more like a you problem than a me problem.
( some part of his hind brain recognizes they just finished talking about his date-ability as far as quire's concerned and now quire's calling him hot but at the same point: julian agrees, he is hot, even if he's also fucked beyond recognition these days. )
And we both know that even if Sophie hangs all over me and bothers trying to make out with me, it's not like she means anything by it.
( maybe that's the point as far as sophie's concerned: there's no weight to her actions, therefore it's fine even if she's waving a lot of it right under quentin's nose. did she bother telling nate that? or maybe it's different with him, but from what julian's seen thus far - he doesn't think it's that. )
[Interesting that Quentin calling Keller hot doesn't provoke another "okay but don't forget how totally straight I am" mini-meltdown. Additional data to add to the file. Quentin will just have to make some adjustments to his poking. No biggie.
... Anyway.]
I know she doesn't mean anything by it. That's what makes it personal.
[As soon as he says it, something clicks into place and oh, oof, that sure is an embarrassing thing to have just accidentally admitted. Big yikes. And right after Julian just said that thing about "sounds more like a you problem"? Let's get some F's in chat for good ole QQ.
Quentin's face journey of perplexed to mildly horrified was pretty brief, and he quickly smoothes his expression back to tired grumpiness. Maybe if he's lucky Julian is particularly stupid right now. Quentin dismissively waves a hand.]
And yeah, yeah, I know. Cuckoos are vapid and shallow. I dated one for a while. I should know.
[Definitely a smoke screen, since he's like 99% sure Julian doesn't know about any of the, uh, enhancements he got via annoying the shit out of the Five resurrection protocols. You know, the list he started well before Phoebe decided to jump his bones and so therefore he can't rule out that the changes he made were a factor in her choice to do so.
Oh my god this is just. A nose dive into oblivion, isn't it? Next chance he gets, he's going back to razzing Julian about his now very much in-doubt straightness.]
( he's digging his own grave while julian's trying to decipher what's the fucking problem here, and he's - he's not sure he gets it entirely, but he's getting it at least a little bit the more quentin bitches, which is an improvement from not at all. )
Do you want her to mean something by it? Like, you want this to be some kind of vendetta against you.
( because that'd make sense, wouldn't it. quentin isn't upset that sophie's fucking around, he's upset because she's having fun and not being petty specifically towards quentin while she does it. that this isn't her getting back at him for - whatever, but is instead her just having a time with a hot guy that notably isn't quentin quire and it isn't even because she wants quentin to notice, it's just because she's out there being sophie cuckoo.
some kind of light bulb flickers on in julian's head, and his expression matches that realization. )
Hell, is it Nate? Not because you're into him, but because he's hotter than you and Sophie noticed and chose him.
[Oh my god it's like watching a caveman trying to figure out calculus by banging rocks together.
Still, Keller gets remarkably close to the right answer on his second attempt—not that Quentin has any interest in confirming or denying. Look. Quentin knows how he looks. And most of the time he can work with it. He loves his style— it's miles more iconic and fashionable than like 80% of the garbage Julian or Nate wear. Newsflash: shirts that show off your biceps don't excuse unoriginal, boring silhouettes. But, well. There's the undeniable fact that Quentin Quire is an outlier in terms of male physiques in the superhero industry. Blah blah blah unrealistic beauty standards etc etc. He knows, and it's all a damn "we live in a society" wash and who cares.
And then Sophie Fucking Cuckoo shows up and makes a special little club for psychics and psychic adjacents with a damn "you must be this tall to enter" sign out front, and he's the only fucking guy around who doesn't make the cut. Because as stated, he's an outlier. It's just most people have the decency to not point it out.
"Most people" here of course not describing one Julian Keller. Quentin looks at him in annoyed disbelief, and he doesn't honestly give a shit that his expression basically gives away that Julian's on the right track because regardless there is absolutely no fucking way Quentin in a million years is telling Mr. "I Can't Help That I'm Hot" that yeah it does in fact suck to have people point out that he's not conventionally attractive, and he might be a teeny tiny bit insecure about that.
... Okay, screw it. Taking the nuclear option. He's gotta get out of this conversation.]
Can we go back to when you were having a crisis about whether or not you wanted to kiss me? Because that was way more fun for me.
[If he dies here today, please tell his family they were all smelly losers.]
Okay, first off? I've never wanted to kiss you. Ever. Like, even if I wasn't straight, you'd be at the bottom of my list of dudes I'd make out with.
( his second point was absolutely i'm straight, thank you, but he already said that once and julian knows damn well accenting it further is only going to make quire want to press even further, so. no, they cannot go back to discussing julian's sexuality, they can focus instead on quentin's lack of confidence. )
Also, you're fine? Bottom of my list, but it's not like you're fucking Glob. It's your shit attitude that makes you so punchable, not your face. Which unfortunately isn't something you can fix with hair dye and trying to act like you're hot shit.
( it's this next part he hates getting into. quire'll get it. probably. which just makes it even worse. )
You've still got two hands, which already gives you a leg up on me. Do you know the last time I had an actual date? Because I don't. Hell, it was probably before you came back from being - almost-kind of-dead. I don't want to hear you bitching about your love life because at least you've got one. All I've got is years of fuck ups and being rejected.
[Alright, well, he didn't get yelled at. Or punched. Physically, at least. He feels a little punched when Julian gives him that line about "hair dye" and "acting like he's hot shit," and he looks down grumpily... conveniently where his hands are resting on the table. Right when Keller goes on to bring up that topic and—
Oh.
See, the thing is? Hearing that Julian's love life is non-existent is... surprising somehow? He's charismatic, easy on the eyes, got that whole classic bad boy jock vibe going on. Hell, Sophie's been all over him since she got here. And the way he phrased it? He's clearly blaming his lack of hands. Which makes sense, honestly, even if it's not something Quentin considered as much as he probably should have. He's been in the guy's head, even noted unwillingness to do shit with "cold metal" hands on occasion. His eyes dart over to Keller's prosthetics, but he quickly and deliberately turns to look elsewhere. Out a window or something. Not out of awkwardness, but because, well. If he were the one admitting he was #foreveralone due to his feelingless floaty Ray-man hands, the last thing he'd want is some asshole ogling them.
Okay, fine. He feels a little bit bad about teasing Julian about the "I'm totally straight okay, just trust me bro" thing. And about complaining to him about his own stupid disaster of a love life and insecurities and all of that shit. Like... damn. "Hey, I have a relatively low muscle mass percentage compared to my peers, and the mean shallow hot girl I accidentally killed doesn't want to make out with me. Feel bad for me, guy who literally hasn't touched shit for 6 goddamn years." Ugh.
Telepaths feel everything from everyone all the time. So if Quentin happened to lose his hands? Eh, it would suck, but at least he'd have all his mental senses to fall back on. Other people's nervous systems he could use to borrow sensory input. Keller doesn't have that luxury. God, sounds like a fucking nightmare.
That said, showing remorse for his stupid assholery isn't an option either. Julian didn't tell him this shit to get pity, or he would've whined about it the second Quentin mentioned anything about Sophie. Apologizing would probably just sound patronizing and insincere. Which leaves... well, the same level of bitchiness Jualin is giving him. Quentin picks his glasses up from the table and checks to see if they're still smudged or if the vodka has dried.]
So just to recap, your way of encouraging me is to... let's see. Tell me you'd never make out with me and that I have a terrible personality, but it's okay, because at least I'm not a skeleton floating in jelly and have two hands? Sure, yeah. Hey, buddy, quick question, you ever considered maybe nobody dates you because you're a miserable, angry bastard and not because your hands are metal?
( honestly? yeah, he has considered that. it was shoving his foot in his damn mouth that pissed off sofia. he deserved that; deserved her ire for him calling her one of them when it's not like she hadn't been a mutant before. it took julian a bit to admit that it matter; the world would always look at them as mutants to hate. just because what made them mutants was gone didn't mean they weren't still one. it didn't stop them from massacring the kids trying to leave campus. it didn't save brian or dj.
hell if he knows what he did to fuck up with laura. he thought they had something, went after her, and she - flat out rejected him. the crap he pulled afterwards? absolutely deserved her being pissed at him. but it hurt him, too, what she'd said - before then. julian isn't stupid enough to think none of the blame goes on him, he recognizes what he did, but just -
there's a good chance his lack of being able to physically hold crap and touch it isn't why he's single. there's a better chance that it's his own hangups around them that cause most of his problems. it's not like he can't still do crap, it's just not how he imagined it. and it pisses him off even more now, to know that he does go through crucible, does get his hands back, and yet everything else goes straight to shit. )
I wouldn't make out with you because you're an asshole with a loud mouth who doesn't know how to not piss people off. Doesn't mean other people wouldn't. ( which is a hell of a lot more polite than julian usually would have been in response to you're a miserable, angry bastard. you're welcome, quire. ) Maybe Sophie'd be into it, but considering she's fucking around with Nate - she doesn't really need to slum it with you, does she?
[That "slumming it with you" remark would hurt a lot more if there wasn't, you know, the context of this whole stupid conversation, but it still stings. Quentin's lip curls reflexively, but he doesn't bite back anything as nasty as he would have normally. Sure as hell doesn't mean he's going to be nice about it, though. Quentin snatches his glasses off the table and irritably shoves them back onto his face before slumping in his chair and folding his arms crossly.]
Yeah, well, don't see you in her room either. Welcome to Loserville, pal. Population: us.
[Look, if Quentin's going down, he's taking Julian with him. Sorry not sorry. And it's... kind of his way of cutting off the "my life sucks more than yours" slap-fighting, because obviously neither of them can be goddamn normal about any of this shit. Or anything. Ever.
Goddamn it, wasn't he just feeling sorry for Keller and his sad handless existence? And sympathizing with him and crap? Jesus. The worst part is Quentin knows he can be halfway normal. Or at least, manage to say shit that doesn't just piss people off. He's gotten pretty good at only being harmlessly annoying, honestly. Just not when he's talking to Julian Keller, the most recalcitrant, histrionic, sullen, bad-tempered, saddest fucker he's ever had the misfortune (or poor judgement?) of trying to befriend.
How did this whole stupid conversation begin? Oh, right. No one else here is going to get even close to understanding your crap. Quentin sighs, keeping his arms crossed and only looking at Julian from the side, but he deliberately loosens his shoulders a little to appear less closed off.]
Look, man, I'm—sorry. For razzing you before. I mean, that was totally the least straight thing anybody has ever said in the history of the world, and I don't believe it for a second [focus, Quire] but it's not any of my business. You do you. Or whatever.
[That's thing #1 out of the way. Thing #2? That's gonna require a deeper breath in.]
And... sounds like it sucks. About your hands. I know you know that, but sometimes it's nice when people, you know, say stuff.
( how is saying i'm straight the least straight thing a guy can say? you know what, next time, he's just not saying anything at all. quentin can be whatever the hell he wants to be and julian just won't interject his own preferences.
it's not like he made out with foley or anything. not that anyone can prove.
anyway. quentin shuts himself up and says it's none of his business which is for the best because julian is two seconds away from punching him in the face, and he doesn't have fleshy hands anymore, so it'd be especially painful. for one of them. and not painful at all for julian, which just makes it even better. except he also remembers the promise quentin made to punch him with his own goddamn hands if he did that, which.
now's as good of a time for a big fight as any, right? but it's while julian's contemplating socking quire in the face that he drops the line about julian's hands and - it does fucking suck. )
I didn't want to be in her room anyway. Sophie's alright, but she's not someone I've thought about like that much. ( a loose roll of his shoulders; he's flirted with sophie for fun, but it didn't mean anything. just like the whole bit with nate probably doesn't for her. julian's not sure if that'll help any, to know that it's not as if there's more competition for quire re: sophie.
and then he looks down to his hands.
his forearms press against the edge of the table as arms turn over, and eyes look down to metal palms. )
It's not really crap I thought about much before, you know? I still have hands that work for most crap, but I can't feel it like I used to. That time at the library - made me realize how much I miss it. Then Soph came in and showed me - me, but after Crucible. Which was also after everything went to shit, again.
[Hearing that Julian doesn't have any interest in Sophie? It... does help, honestly. Quentin doesn't respond to it, but. Yeah, he appreciates it. Feels a little less like he's excluded, at least.
Heh. Loserville.
And then Julian starts... actually talking about shit? Like... sincere shit? Vulnerable shit? And yeah, that's theoretically a good thing. Quentin more or less invited it. But also consider this: he's really bad at supporting and/or comforting people.
Crap.
Alright, well, there is one thing he can do. Keller said he missed feeling things, yeah?]
Hey. Put your hand on the table.
[Quentin moves his right arm up to put his hand palm down on the table in front of him.]
( julian looks down to quentin's hand, and - he kind of gets where this is going. has a good idea, anyway, especially given what he'd just mentioned not all too long ago: feeling his own pulse through quentin's hands, the steady beating of his heart through fingertips that weren't his. )
It's not the same. ( it's grumbled under his breath, fingers flexing in and julian almost, almost can remember what it feels like to clench his hands tight and feel blunt nails digging into skin. that doesn't happen anymore; there's the sensation of movement, but none of the actual feeling to go along with it. )
I don't know, man. It's not like I'm - I can still do crap. Outside of the learning curve when my hands'd first gotten blown off, it's not like it's really thrown me off all that much. But I can't. . . when Sofia came back, I took her hand to help her out of her egg. But I couldn't feel her palm against mine. You know?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( with any of them. julian's been pining after laura since he was sixteen. jean, scott, and logan have their - their thing that julian doesn't want to think about all that deeply because ew. there's crap with the cuckoos and cable jr back home. the whole thing julian had with sophia way back when.
he sighs, rolls his eyes before sauntering back to the kitchen and - leaning a hip against the counter, again. he's here. he may as well listen. )
But no one else here is going to get even close to understanding your crap. Right? You may as well talk to me.
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Quentin's never bothered to give two shits about Julian's dating history, aside from knowing how the girls in school felt about him, but... he's not wrong that it always seems to be complicated. Who knew a group of deranged weirdos with copious trauma would end up with fucked up attachment issues?
Whatever. Quentin presses his mouth into a thin line and takes a heavy breath of sardonic resignation.]
She died twice to reject me and now spends her time hitting on every hot guy with psionic powers she sees. You know, like rubbing a dog's nose in the carpet when it pees.
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( not that julian even vaguely believes that's what's going on. he bets at least a little bit of it is that she's being petty and rubbing his nose in it. for what? hell if he knows. sounds like it's more of an incident that happened before julian's time than anything else, and he could ask and dig into it further, but honestly - chances are high that's just going to piss off quire more. so. )
Is the problem that you're still into her, or?
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The problem is I tried to bring her back to life using the goddamn Phoenix, and she looked at me and said—and I quote—"ew" and went back to being dead.
[He grimaces and moves his hand to his face to press his thumb and forefinger to his eyes. God, he sounds pathetic, doesn't he? Ugh. He's blaming the alcohol in his system. Quentin makes a frustrated scoffing noise and takes his hand off his face to gesture animatedly.]
I mean, that's gotta be one of the top 10 harshest rejections of all time, right? Cringefail compilation material?
[Quentin raises his arms and lets them drop dramatically in a helpless shrug.]
It just sucks, man. I dunno. Salt in the wound or whatever.
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( which. isn't really the point of the thing but julian figures the statement belongs here regardless. julian wouldn't go so far as to apply it as an insult, but they do all have a type. and a habit of being petty. plus the occasional pitting people against each other. and all going on dates with the same guy while definitely talking about whoever they're with behind their back. or in front of it, just where they can't hear. you know. like cuckoos are known for. )
Is that really the kind of crap you want to deal with long term? She rejected you via just going back to being dead, or whatever. ( julian's been rejected pretty harshly, but he'd definitely put that in the top ten rejections of all time, whereas he'd rank his own lower. but he won't specify that out loud. ) Is it worth getting upset over? I know you can't help it, ( with a little more empathy behind his tone, because he does get it. really. ) but like - do you want it to be something she can see?
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Ugh.
Quentin slumps pitifully when Julian continues talking, propping his elbows on the table to hold his head in his hands. Until Keller says that last thing about letting Sophie see his... angst or whatever, and Quentin's head pops up, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead.]
We're telepaths, man. It's not that simple. We don't talk like this. [He waves his hand demonstrably between himself and Julian.]
We talk up here. [And he taps his temple a few times.]
If we block each other? It's noticeable. Like really noticeable. Like big flashing neon sign saying "something's wrong" noticeable. You've seen how she is with her whole new Hashtag Not All Cuckoos routine, yeah? She's a dog with a bone when she thinks somebody's got some kind of inner turmoil she can pretend to help!
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There's a lot of other people here, right? Maybe we're low on other telepaths that aren't Jean or guys, but. ( a loose lift of his shoulders, because, ) You can always find someone else to think about and maybe that'll take care of the whole Sophie thing.
( bad advice, it never works for julian, he's tried it. but he's not quire either. )
Tone down the turmoil, find someone else who's less likely to fuck you over.
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For a moment Quentin just. Looks at Julian. Tilts his head to the side, narrows his eyes, and peers at him like he's trying to decipher some mystical ancient riddle. What is the riddle, you ask? The question that plagues him so? Well, glad you asked because it's is Julian Keller seriously that fucking dense??
... Yes. The answer is probably yes. Honestly.]
Right, so. You do realize that [he holds out his pointer finger to indicate point number one] "distracts me from Sophie bullshit" and [now a second finger, point number two] "less likely to fuck me over" describes you. Yeah? Because it does. I mean, that's literally why we're here.
[In the kitchen, he means. With trash cocktails that Julian himself brought him. For specifically distraction purposes??
What the hell is happening right now—]
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what. quentin looks at julian. and julian looks right back at him with an expression that's almost equally confused. )
What? ( okay, no, he had to say it out loud too because what the hell. ) No, I mean like, dateable. Someone you'd sleep with. Like she's getting up to with Nate. Which doesn't describe me at all.
( maybe it doesn't. maybe it does. hold on. )
I'm straight.
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[Is he including Julian in that? Undecided. But probably not. The guy's a pain in the ass, and doing a whole "I Don't Dance" reenactment with this moron sounds like way more trouble than it's worth. If he wants to do the two bros chillin in a hot tub routine, then sure. Not Quentin's problem.
Anyway.]
And in any case, you didn't say "find someone to make out with." You said "find someone else to think about." You know, like when you told me I should "go think somewhere else," and I said there wasn't any-damn-where else to think? Yeah, hasn't changed in the past however many fucking minutes. Unfortunately for the both of us.
[Okay, none of this is relevant, Julian is being super weird about the whole thing, and Quentin's bored with now. He rolls his eyes and moves on.]
Fine. Whatever. You've been here longer than me. Where's a guy like me find someone to "think about"?
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( is that backtracking enough to fix - whatever this is? julian's hoping it is. anyway. walking right out of this one, because neither of them need to suffer through talks of what the other is into any more than they already have. )
That's your whole thing with Sophie, right? She chose death over you, twice. But you, like the i-- ( cutting himself off right here, thank you. insults are not the way to play this game. ) You're still pining after her because you like her despite her rejecting you. And even if she's pulling the "Not all Cuckoos" move, she's still one of them. They're hot and fun but they go through partners and crushes like it's a game. I'd know.
( he dated three of them for like two seconds. and he knows one of them (celeste?) has had an on and off crush on him or - whatever. they flirt around enough. sophie was having a great time leaning all over him during aphaia, and teasing him about what is and isn't making out, and now she's - wherever, fucking around with nate. not that he's bothered by it at all, sophie's out there living her best life. )
So find someone else to get over it with. As for where - how the hell would I know? I've only been here a little longer than you, and I've been busy with crap that isn't getting depressed over girls who couldn't give a shit.
( mostly. )
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But honestly? He'd almost rather keep poking at the hornet's nest of whatever the fuck bisexual awakening bullshit Julian may or may not be having. Because the thing is, this whole mess is way, way more complicated than Keller's summary. To the point where Quentin isn't completely sure if he even wants to bother clarifying. But, well, he's gotten this far. Might as well go all the way. Directly to hell. Ugh.]
That's not—
[Quentin sighs in frustration.]
I'm not "pining" after Sophie. It's Phoebe who—look, Sophie rejected me. Sucks, right? But I moved on. Dated other people. Non-Cuckoos. And then on Krakoa, Phoebe... I dunno, decided she liked me. We dated, and then we broke up.
[Leaving out the parts where she inspired him to change significant chunks of himself, for better or for worse he still has no idea, and she crushed his heart into little tiny pieces.]
When Sophie got here, she accused me of replacing her with Phoebe. Which is stupid, because she literally rejected me, and Phoebe's the one who started things up with me anyway. But then Sophie hooks up with the Nate? The only guy in existence with the exact same powers as me? It's like—come on, right? I'm not supposed to take that personally?
[One would think that was a rhetorical question, but the way his eyebrows tilt up and the inflection of his voice would imply that it's a little closer to genuine. If Julian is confused, he can rest assured that Quentin doesn't have a fucking clue what's going on in his own head either. Very frustrating for a telepath, honestly. 0/10, do not recommend.]
Look, man, if there was an easy fix to all this, then that's what I'd be doing. Not... this.
[He gestures broadly at the kitchen and therefore the situation in general, sighs, and slumps in resigned misery.]
But as utterly tragic as it is for me, you're kinda the person who knows me best around here, so if you wouldn't mind hanging out a while and, I dunno, letting me be a sad sack of shit without also being alone, that'd be swell. [And just for good measure, he adds:] No make-outs required.
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unfortunately, he does get it. the feeling, anyway. he could keep offering suggestions, or tell quire to find someone else, or - fuck if he knows, but the good news here is that quire tells him exactly what he wants, and it's something julian can do so instead of making an ass of himself, he gives a quiet sigh and walks on closer. grabs onto one of the chairs and pulls it out enough so he can sit on it, elbows resting against the table in front of them. )
I don't know, man, Jean's here. Don't you want to whine to her about your love life problems? Seems like that might work out a little better.
( but there's a teasing lilt to his voice; he's not telling quire off, not is he actually recommending he go talk to jean. julian's not going anywhere. because as much as he bitches, he does know how to just sit and be present with someone. knows, too, how nice it can be when someone does just - do that for someone else. )
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[He rolls his eyes dramatically, but Quentin's shoulders do relax just a bit when Julian sits. Keller's an asshole the vast majority of the time, but sometimes? Every so often? He's not actually awful to be around.]
But hey, I've already been complaining about a girl who only hits on hot guys with powers like mine to one of said hot guys, so how much worse could it realistically get? Aside from, you know, incredibly way worse. Like it literally always does.
[... Yeah, okay, so. The sentiment here is legit. He literally said "hot guys with psionic powers" a few minutes ago and assumed Julian understood that he was included in that. And that he was just being chill and not bringing attention to the inherent awkwardness of the situation.
But that was before all of his "no way bro I'm nowhere near your list of dateables bro I'm serious bro btw did I mention how straight I am" crap. And... okay, look. Quentin Quire has clown blood. He knows this about himself. He is a simple man with simple needs. He sees an opportunity to poke something with a stick? He pokes with a stick. Unless he's too busy with something else. Like, for example, his own angst. In that case he couldn't care less. But as soon as that shit is crammed away in a box in the back of his mind where it belongs, (hopefully) never to be addressed ever again? It's stick-poking time. And Julian gave him one hell of a target.
Is it kind of an assholeish thing to do to ask for somebody to comfort you and then proceed to subtly prod at what is clearly a sensitive subject? Yes. Yes, it is. But consider this: Quentin and Julian are both assholes. So really, it's not like any innocents are getting hurt here.]
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I can't fix that I'm hot, and even if I could - ( a loose lift of his shoulders, before julian slumps down and leans his weight against his elbows on the table. ) Sounds more like a you problem than a me problem.
( some part of his hind brain recognizes they just finished talking about his date-ability as far as quire's concerned and now quire's calling him hot but at the same point: julian agrees, he is hot, even if he's also fucked beyond recognition these days. )
And we both know that even if Sophie hangs all over me and bothers trying to make out with me, it's not like she means anything by it.
( maybe that's the point as far as sophie's concerned: there's no weight to her actions, therefore it's fine even if she's waving a lot of it right under quentin's nose. did she bother telling nate that? or maybe it's different with him, but from what julian's seen thus far - he doesn't think it's that. )
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... Anyway.]
I know she doesn't mean anything by it. That's what makes it personal.
[As soon as he says it, something clicks into place and oh, oof, that sure is an embarrassing thing to have just accidentally admitted. Big yikes. And right after Julian just said that thing about "sounds more like a you problem"? Let's get some F's in chat for good ole QQ.
Quentin's face journey of perplexed to mildly horrified was pretty brief, and he quickly smoothes his expression back to tired grumpiness. Maybe if he's lucky Julian is particularly stupid right now. Quentin dismissively waves a hand.]
And yeah, yeah, I know. Cuckoos are vapid and shallow. I dated one for a while. I should know.
[Definitely a smoke screen, since he's like 99% sure Julian doesn't know about any of the, uh, enhancements he got via
annoying the shit out of the Fiveresurrection protocols. You know, the list he started well before Phoebe decided to jump his bones and so therefore he can't rule out that the changes he made were a factor in her choice to do so.Oh my god this is just. A nose dive into oblivion, isn't it? Next chance he gets, he's going back to razzing Julian about his now very much in-doubt straightness.]
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Do you want her to mean something by it? Like, you want this to be some kind of vendetta against you.
( because that'd make sense, wouldn't it. quentin isn't upset that sophie's fucking around, he's upset because she's having fun and not being petty specifically towards quentin while she does it. that this isn't her getting back at him for - whatever, but is instead her just having a time with a hot guy that notably isn't quentin quire and it isn't even because she wants quentin to notice, it's just because she's out there being sophie cuckoo.
some kind of light bulb flickers on in julian's head, and his expression matches that realization. )
Hell, is it Nate? Not because you're into him, but because he's hotter than you and Sophie noticed and chose him.
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Still, Keller gets remarkably close to the right answer on his second attempt—not that Quentin has any interest in confirming or denying. Look. Quentin knows how he looks. And most of the time he can work with it. He loves his style— it's miles more iconic and fashionable than like 80% of the garbage Julian or Nate wear. Newsflash: shirts that show off your biceps don't excuse unoriginal, boring silhouettes. But, well. There's the undeniable fact that Quentin Quire is an outlier in terms of male physiques in the superhero industry. Blah blah blah unrealistic beauty standards etc etc. He knows, and it's all a damn "we live in a society" wash and who cares.
And then Sophie Fucking Cuckoo shows up and makes a special little club for psychics and psychic adjacents with a damn "you must be this tall to enter" sign out front, and he's the only fucking guy around who doesn't make the cut. Because as stated, he's an outlier. It's just most people have the decency to not point it out.
"Most people" here of course not describing one Julian Keller. Quentin looks at him in annoyed disbelief, and he doesn't honestly give a shit that his expression basically gives away that Julian's on the right track because regardless there is absolutely no fucking way Quentin in a million years is telling Mr. "I Can't Help That I'm Hot" that yeah it does in fact suck to have people point out that he's not conventionally attractive, and he might be a teeny tiny bit insecure about that.
... Okay, screw it. Taking the nuclear option. He's gotta get out of this conversation.]
Can we go back to when you were having a crisis about whether or not you wanted to kiss me? Because that was way more fun for me.
[If he dies here today, please tell his family they were all smelly losers.]
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( his second point was absolutely i'm straight, thank you, but he already said that once and julian knows damn well accenting it further is only going to make quire want to press even further, so. no, they cannot go back to discussing julian's sexuality, they can focus instead on quentin's lack of confidence. )
Also, you're fine? Bottom of my list, but it's not like you're fucking Glob. It's your shit attitude that makes you so punchable, not your face. Which unfortunately isn't something you can fix with hair dye and trying to act like you're hot shit.
( it's this next part he hates getting into. quire'll get it. probably. which just makes it even worse. )
You've still got two hands, which already gives you a leg up on me. Do you know the last time I had an actual date? Because I don't. Hell, it was probably before you came back from being - almost-kind of-dead. I don't want to hear you bitching about your love life because at least you've got one. All I've got is years of fuck ups and being rejected.
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Oh.
See, the thing is? Hearing that Julian's love life is non-existent is... surprising somehow? He's charismatic, easy on the eyes, got that whole classic bad boy jock vibe going on. Hell, Sophie's been all over him since she got here. And the way he phrased it? He's clearly blaming his lack of hands. Which makes sense, honestly, even if it's not something Quentin considered as much as he probably should have. He's been in the guy's head, even noted unwillingness to do shit with "cold metal" hands on occasion. His eyes dart over to Keller's prosthetics, but he quickly and deliberately turns to look elsewhere. Out a window or something. Not out of awkwardness, but because, well. If he were the one admitting he was #foreveralone due to his feelingless floaty Ray-man hands, the last thing he'd want is some asshole ogling them.
Okay, fine. He feels a little bit bad about teasing Julian about the "I'm totally straight okay, just trust me bro" thing. And about complaining to him about his own stupid disaster of a love life and insecurities and all of that shit. Like... damn. "Hey, I have a relatively low muscle mass percentage compared to my peers, and the mean shallow hot girl I accidentally killed doesn't want to make out with me. Feel bad for me, guy who literally hasn't touched shit for 6 goddamn years." Ugh.
Telepaths feel everything from everyone all the time. So if Quentin happened to lose his hands? Eh, it would suck, but at least he'd have all his mental senses to fall back on. Other people's nervous systems he could use to borrow sensory input. Keller doesn't have that luxury. God, sounds like a fucking nightmare.
That said, showing remorse for his stupid assholery isn't an option either. Julian didn't tell him this shit to get pity, or he would've whined about it the second Quentin mentioned anything about Sophie. Apologizing would probably just sound patronizing and insincere. Which leaves... well, the same level of bitchiness Jualin is giving him. Quentin picks his glasses up from the table and checks to see if they're still smudged or if the vodka has dried.]
So just to recap, your way of encouraging me is to... let's see. Tell me you'd never make out with me and that I have a terrible personality, but it's okay, because at least I'm not a skeleton floating in jelly and have two hands? Sure, yeah. Hey, buddy, quick question, you ever considered maybe nobody dates you because you're a miserable, angry bastard and not because your hands are metal?
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hell if he knows what he did to fuck up with laura. he thought they had something, went after her, and she - flat out rejected him. the crap he pulled afterwards? absolutely deserved her being pissed at him. but it hurt him, too, what she'd said - before then. julian isn't stupid enough to think none of the blame goes on him, he recognizes what he did, but just -
there's a good chance his lack of being able to physically hold crap and touch it isn't why he's single. there's a better chance that it's his own hangups around them that cause most of his problems. it's not like he can't still do crap, it's just not how he imagined it. and it pisses him off even more now, to know that he does go through crucible, does get his hands back, and yet everything else goes straight to shit. )
I wouldn't make out with you because you're an asshole with a loud mouth who doesn't know how to not piss people off. Doesn't mean other people wouldn't. ( which is a hell of a lot more polite than julian usually would have been in response to you're a miserable, angry bastard. you're welcome, quire. ) Maybe Sophie'd be into it, but considering she's fucking around with Nate - she doesn't really need to slum it with you, does she?
( and there goes the being nice bit. )
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Yeah, well, don't see you in her room either. Welcome to Loserville, pal. Population: us.
[Look, if Quentin's going down, he's taking Julian with him. Sorry not sorry. And it's... kind of his way of cutting off the "my life sucks more than yours" slap-fighting, because obviously neither of them can be goddamn normal about any of this shit. Or anything. Ever.
Goddamn it, wasn't he just feeling sorry for Keller and his sad handless existence? And sympathizing with him and crap? Jesus. The worst part is Quentin knows he can be halfway normal. Or at least, manage to say shit that doesn't just piss people off. He's gotten pretty good at only being harmlessly annoying, honestly. Just not when he's talking to Julian Keller, the most recalcitrant, histrionic, sullen, bad-tempered, saddest fucker he's ever had the misfortune (or poor judgement?) of trying to befriend.
How did this whole stupid conversation begin? Oh, right. No one else here is going to get even close to understanding your crap. Quentin sighs, keeping his arms crossed and only looking at Julian from the side, but he deliberately loosens his shoulders a little to appear less closed off.]
Look, man, I'm—sorry. For razzing you before. I mean, that was totally the least straight thing anybody has ever said in the history of the world, and I don't believe it for a second [focus, Quire] but it's not any of my business. You do you. Or whatever.
[That's thing #1 out of the way. Thing #2? That's gonna require a deeper breath in.]
And... sounds like it sucks. About your hands. I know you know that, but sometimes it's nice when people, you know, say stuff.
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it's not like he made out with foley or anything. not that anyone can prove.
anyway. quentin shuts himself up and says it's none of his business which is for the best because julian is two seconds away from punching him in the face, and he doesn't have fleshy hands anymore, so it'd be especially painful. for one of them. and not painful at all for julian, which just makes it even better. except he also remembers the promise quentin made to punch him with his own goddamn hands if he did that, which.
now's as good of a time for a big fight as any, right? but it's while julian's contemplating socking quire in the face that he drops the line about julian's hands and - it does fucking suck. )
I didn't want to be in her room anyway. Sophie's alright, but she's not someone I've thought about like that much. ( a loose roll of his shoulders; he's flirted with sophie for fun, but it didn't mean anything. just like the whole bit with nate probably doesn't for her. julian's not sure if that'll help any, to know that it's not as if there's more competition for quire re: sophie.
and then he looks down to his hands.
his forearms press against the edge of the table as arms turn over, and eyes look down to metal palms. )
It's not really crap I thought about much before, you know? I still have hands that work for most crap, but I can't feel it like I used to. That time at the library - made me realize how much I miss it. Then Soph came in and showed me - me, but after Crucible. Which was also after everything went to shit, again.
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Heh. Loserville.
And then Julian starts... actually talking about shit? Like... sincere shit? Vulnerable shit? And yeah, that's theoretically a good thing. Quentin more or less invited it. But also consider this: he's really bad at supporting and/or comforting people.
Crap.
Alright, well, there is one thing he can do. Keller said he missed feeling things, yeah?]
Hey. Put your hand on the table.
[Quentin moves his right arm up to put his hand palm down on the table in front of him.]
Like this. I wanna try something.
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It's not the same. ( it's grumbled under his breath, fingers flexing in and julian almost, almost can remember what it feels like to clench his hands tight and feel blunt nails digging into skin. that doesn't happen anymore; there's the sensation of movement, but none of the actual feeling to go along with it. )
I don't know, man. It's not like I'm - I can still do crap. Outside of the learning curve when my hands'd first gotten blown off, it's not like it's really thrown me off all that much. But I can't. . . when Sofia came back, I took her hand to help her out of her egg. But I couldn't feel her palm against mine. You know?
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kind of nsfw
also a little nsfw rip to both of these idiots
i love mess
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